Do You Ever Want To…

There is one useful thing about being a sociopath: not giving a darn after they get what they want about how it hurts anyone else. I don’t recommend trying to become one yourself, because eventually they become isolated by burning bridges and/or imprisonment and/or related mental decline. But it would be nice to not care sometimes, especially because I have a tendency to “Over-care.”

Even after doing all I can to support people, I feel horrible when I know their pain continues, even though it may be less. I know that this is not a helpful lens to view the world, but it is a habit i learned very young, and an extremely hard one to halt. Having Cerebral Palsy and needing higher levels of assistance in some aspects of life doesn’t help; if the person assisting is struggling, I will feel the ripples quite often….

As much as my degree of extra need bothers me, having no use for that internal pain bothers me too. in the name of taking some type of control over a situation much bigger then just me I wrote the following for all to enjoy,

I hope that this poem is unique,

but my knowing fear says it isn’t.

I am a giver, in the hopes of reducing pain

having such minimal control,

and trapped in a dependency

of inequality,

I seek the power

of empowering those around me

waiting for their rising tide to lift me

onto level ground

I’ve been waiting for decades

I can accept an eternity to rise,

peeling back scars and masks as I wait

so that only the purest cream of my spirit will rise to the top

and history will only be able to allude to the flaws I

“Must have had” for being a human animal.

In the meantime, I watch the scar consuming my body,

that peace that I paid such a price for, is burrowed deep in my skin

and I am powerless with the answers

I hope that this poem is unique,

but my knowing fear says it isn’t.

I am a giver, in the hopes of reducing pain

having such minimal control,

and trapped in a dependency

of inequality,

I seek the power

of empowering those around me

waiting for their rising tide to lift me

onto level ground

I’ve been waiting for decades

I can accept an eternity to rise,

peeling back scars and masks as I wait

so that only the purest cream of my spirit will rise to the top

and history will only be able to allude to the flaws I

“Must have had” for being a human animal.

In the meantime, I watch the scar consuming my body,

that peace that I paid such a price for, is burrowed deep in my skin

and I am powerless with the answers

to others’ screams for what is just outside their grasp.

I recommend bringing any pain outside of yourself-it may do someone some good.

Published by sickybeat

I am a writer with an extremely active imagination. I love learning answers to questions and what makes everything and everyone tick. I am a "Unique case, medically" if nothing else. I am flawed in my extreme aversion to failure (even when "success" isn't good for me,) but have come a long way in ditching the perfectionist mindset. I like people whose default setting toward others is compassion, an open mind, and honesty

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