I used to experience life as a fearless extrovert. I wanted to go to new places and do new things all the time. This insatiable desire for novel experiences was rarely met for three reasons, my Cerebral Palsy made most others nervous, my momma prefers privacy, and the time and energy it takes to do something as day-to-day as travel is high in an overall inaccessible town. I used to dream of all the things I would do, “When I was old enough.”
There is not a big enough imagination to imagine all that would happen to me in the intervening years. Today I see events I’d like to participate in, like the local live storytelling tonight, and I think “What A great way to get publicity for Sickybeat! I sign up and prepare, writing an entirely new story from my life to tell at the event, but a few hours before the event I start to want to shrink back into my routine. Would it be so bad if I didn’t go?
This cycle is so common I can predict when my desire to bail will hit, and it hits like an angry bear. I don’t know why this started happening with certainty, but the health related trauma my body has faced over the last decade and a half has apparently left some of the deepest scars unseen.
I don’t have energy or fearlessness anymore, and I miss it. I want to meet new people, do new things, I want to do old favourite things. I need to get things done. So, what the heck does one do in that situation?
All I can do is keep trying. I sign up for things, put them on my schedule, and hype myself into the “Let’s Go!” mindset as much as possible before the event without over thinking it. During the final twenty-four hours before an event or activity, I do everything possible to be in the best health for the event.
As the moment comes closer, and I still want to bail, I jump in and don’t look back. I will forever be happy when I just do it. In that vein, I have a storytelling event to attend!
Have a great day!