Notes to Self

I am a relatively smart person, but as I prepare to take the law school entrance exam small errors keep leading to missed practice questions. Usually this happens because I miss read a question stem (prompt.) or a possible answer. Once my mistake is set in “practice stone,” (meaning: I know what the right answer is meant to be.) I realize I missed or misread a key word(s), and am frustrated as can be.

Some practice sessions at my old desk are less irksome than others, but I can’t shake the feeling that all the aspects of my “self” were blunted by my 15 year, severe, anorexia. I Know I cannot change what was, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering and wishing. To let my traumatic twenties be nothing more than a marked era of lose seems a wasteful & helpless position fir me to take. I was not helpless in my fight to survive. for all the scars that time gave me, I can use it as a light in my path through the present. I learned a great deal during that time, about my values (creativity,dignity, productivity physical ability, to name a few.)

By the same token, I know what crushes my spirit. (Boredom, pointless activity, condescension and disrespect, and lack of accomplishment.) if I began to recognize the restlessness, and correlated guilt, beginning to fester again I know not to ignore it. Unlike their every day cousins, these internal feelings won’t just pass when my LSAT study session is complete. My emotions are a compass, and these emotions in particular point to the necessity of serious change.

So, that brings the topic full circle to yesterday afternoon. I was writing when my mind began to fog as my energy waned. With such a strong innate desire for accomplishment, I decided to finish my thought. (Have you stopped writing mid-thought, full of ideas, only to return and think, what the???)

After taking a few swigs of water, I continued. When I finished the paragraph and did a self inventory to decide my next actions, I felt more alert. My internal temperature was no longer on, “Roasting.” I’ve since been more mindful of thirst cues beyond dry mouth, and started drinking water when the thought pops into my head, even if I don’t feel thirsty. the changes I’ve noticed aren’t earth shattering as such, but I can stay alert longer and work more on projects.

While I cannot change the actions I’ve taken in the past, or the resulting issues here today, I can learn, and squeeze a positive future out of them. Taking good care of what I have, I can tackle challenges. (I see you August 29th LSAT!!) I can move forward. Now, I’m going to grab some H2O 😉


Published by sickybeat

I am a writer with an extremely active imagination. I love learning answers to questions and what makes everything and everyone tick. I am a "Unique case, medically" if nothing else. I am flawed in my extreme aversion to failure (even when "success" isn't good for me,) but have come a long way in ditching the perfectionist mindset. I like people whose default setting toward others is compassion, an open mind, and honesty

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