To be Drowned in the Tide of Tension

The day seems to have stormed in

and I seek to harness it,

even as I am battered before I can rise.

with my brain screaming, “Bow! RETREAT!”

I am fueled but the minute failures

so small that they cannot be evidenced,

only known.

And because I know them

I do all I can to rise,

and suffocate them in the shadow of a successful day.

But the moment I find my footing.

I’m swallowed by a pounding wave of nausea and weakness

I am humbled and I bow

I sleep and I wake up “fully in control”

for a few brief minutes,

before being forced to bow under the weight of another wave

So, this evening I write in a nightgown that got to meet the day

and hair that was not tamed

with not but the coming morning for my happy begin-againing

I have yet to learn how to stop swiming against the current when I fall into illness,

but at least I don’t jump off of its deep in and try to inhale it anymore