Why Sooooo Serious?

I promise I am not, as they say, a tight-ass, a snob, or tooo much of a jerk.

I laugh hard enough to fall to the floor.

In fact, I am known locally as the sincerest of optimists.

“How can you be so upbeat when you…?”

I get this question all the time.

And the answer is,

Because I manifest my darkness, my questions in these short bursts.

To extract them from me,

To set them free,

So that they can find their place

In the universe of echos.

Let this not be all you think about me.

For you are seeing one of a series of my tools.

Big picture poems and tiny solutions

On the edge of illness I woke up

And, as good writing rules dic….

I was caught by a moment, and left a thought hanging

And, by now, I’ve lost my grip on it.

And it has fallen of the edge of the abyss of my mind

But I keep writing, doing, and reflecting

because the lessons of any value come round in refresher courses of life.

Nothing ever repeats identically, and we may morn for lost opportunities,

But the most important things never entirely leave either,

Even if we can only see the ghost of a memory,

We will.

A Shriveled is a Panicked Mind

How many times has anger been made the scapegoat?

Fear?

Even jealousy?

How many times do we hear freedom…

And retribution?

For those on the lowest tiers, anyway.

Who are labeled as cold monsters

Even when fuelled by the fire of passion

And the name of Justice

The recipe of America makes a cake,

And the base teir is shrinking

With each bit

From the top down,

Trying to cannibalize our own

We well collapse without a strong, sturdy base.

When will we stop gorging?

Too Close to the Wire

As I continue to navigate through my 32nd year,

I begin to understand

That life is a weaving in between wires

Stress,

Fear,

Aspirations

And expectations.

If I am not aware

Of myself

Personal wires tangle

And I am left to work against the friction and resistance.

Or, to untangle a knot.

In public life the outcomes are not better- if I am careless

And so now, when I get those sensations

I step back, so I am not distracted by broken wires’ flailing sparks

Before I electrocute myself.

Good Things About My 2020

With as many awkward and awful things as this year has blanketed the world with

I offer a counter balance

Of small blissful happenings

As evidence of light

I was told for 31 years that I could only use front hook bras

All week, I’ve hooked from behind.

For the previous fifteen years my overnight hospitalizations averaged around a month or more every year, usually more.

In 2020, I only spent 2 nights in all.

When I began studying for the law school entrance exam, there was an entire section that I could not understand how to complete.

In August when I took the test, I ended up in the 72nd percentile even with computer connectivity problems.

I have over come my Cerebral Palsy in so many ways I was not expected to.

I can don jewelry with relative ease

And shoes

And I can shave without missing parts!

Hallelujah!

Though these may seem lightweights in the face of a mournful, devastating year.

Let them be enough to give anyone a smile

And help them trudge forward

Because it may not be clear when we shall break free of the darkness

But because we keep trying, it cannot consume our spark.

And that spark will catch…

Let it be, Fully

Stop thinking,

It’s a distraction.

Distraction from the sadness

Distraction from the anger

Distraction from the exhaustion

Distraction from the fear.

The mind can mutate a fright

Into a terror.

If we let it stand in the path of an emotion.

The mind will feed that poison orphan emotions

Which would otherwise wander and quickly die in a distant memory.

And I don’t want to be in that symbiotic relationship.

I would rather witness a short living terror,

Than live in constant anxiety.

The Finest of Distinctions

What is it to be selfish?

What is it that distinguishes,

Selfishness from necessary self-care?

How does one know

When it is more valuable

To stop fighting a battle

Where there are only losses to be had if fighting rages on?

How do we know, if the pain of a loss

Will clear the hazy battlefield of mind,

Or simple crush the surviving fighter?

Worse Off

Is not a motivation for gratitude.

The kids who can’t get enough food.

The ill who can’t buy treatment.

The people in cages

Those without a means of survival.

Should not be the source of my gratitude.

Not on their necks.

I am angry that I’m granted these things

Arbitrarily, when so many are denied.

The fact that division is used for dehumanizing,

Fuels my actions for change.

I will save my gratitude

For my friends, and my talents.

Notice

Assumptions are the short cuts I made to focus my ambition

Fed by what I was told,

And never considering the motivation of the people who knew best.

In this holding pattern of a year,

I keep asking myself, why not try?

And, I notice that every single one of the things I couldn’t do,

Because bodies like mine can’t,

Everything on that list is being done, and done better.

Because I took the time to try

And the time to practice paying attention.

My ambition has grown in 2020

I don’t have to be alone

Curiosity in Moderation

The only reasons today is different than yesterday,

was a dental appointment.

thus lunch was two hours late

and I laughed hard enough

at a sly mockery of my cat

so intensely that,

for a few seconds I lost control of my evacuatory system.

my productive routine in the limbo corner

getting lower and lower beneath my standard bar

and I woke up singing regardless,

I have never been able to reproduce these days

of joy, for joy’s sake.

I cannot discover the variation in the equation

which feeds my energy, persistence, my patience,

and my happiness.

I can only monitor patterns

and honor these treasures

by blooming, brief as it may last,

in that light.